That's Professor Wallace to You
by Super Batflash
Summary: Superboy doesn't really understand a lot of simple life lessons most people learn when they're kids. Who better to teach him lessons in life than Wally?
1. Lesson 1: Jokes

**Jokes**

"Knock! Knock!"

"…"

"You're supposed to ask, who's there."

"Sorry."

"Knock! Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Nobody."

"…"

"You're supposed to say, 'Nobody who?'"

"Why?"

"'Cause it's a 'knock knock' joke, that's just how they work."

"This is stupid."

"No it's not."

"Why do I have to ask who nobody is if there's nobody at the door."

"That's not the point, it's a 'knock knock' joke, it's supposed to make you laugh."

"Well it's not working."

"That's because you're thinking about it too hard, let's just try again."

"Whatever"

"Knock! Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Nobody."

"Nobody who?"

"…"

"You're an idiot. And that joke was stupid"

"You just don't know funny."

**A/N:** LoL I got this idea after my little sister told me this joke and I threw my shoe at her because I thought he was just so damn stupid. And then I thought, 'hey it sounds like the charmingly idiotic kind of joke Wally would tell, in between his cheesy pick up lines' and then I wrote this.


	2. Lesson 2: Expressions

**Expressions**

"Ah well C'est la vie."

"I didn't know you spoke French."

"That's because I don't."

"But you just did."

"That's different."

"How?"

"'C'est la vie' is just an expression."

"…?"

"An expression, y'know like 'finders keepers losers weepers',"

"…"

"Or um 'move your feet lose your seat', it's just something people say."

"So…expressions are words?"

"Um no. expressions are like groups of words that mean something, sometimes they rhyme and sometimes they don't."

"So, expressions are like poetry?"

"Yes, exactly like poetry, only not actually poetry."

"…?"

"Don't feel bad that confused me too. Wanna go get some ice-cream?"

"Sure."

**A/N:** Obviously Wally is not a very good teacher, but eh C'est la vie. I'm not sure what got him so disappointed in the first place, I imagine that maybe he's just lost some video game, or there's no more apple pie. Though I am interested in what you think might have happened.


	3. Lesson 3: The Game

'**The Game'**

"What's wrong Wally?"

"Robin made me lose 'The Game'."

"That's 'The Game'?"

"This stupid thing Roy taught us when we were kids."

"How do you play?"

"Well the object of 'The Game' is not to think about 'The Game', if you think about 'The Game' then you lose 'The Game'."

"Then how do you win 'The Game'?"

"You don't you just have to see how many times you can make other people lose."

"…That is stupid."

"I know."

"If it's so stupid, why do you play?"

"'Cause it's fun."

"I don't think I'll ever understand you."

"That's 'cause I'm a man of mystery."

"…"

"What James Bond was on yesterday."

"Hey Wally?"

"Yeah?"

"You just lost 'The Game'."

"I hate my life."

**A/N:** Yeah a friend of mine made me lose 'The Game' in front of some kid who wanted to know what it was about. It took us like ten minutes to explain it to him and then I just had to write this.


	4. Lesson 4: Tampons

**Tampons**

"What's this?"

"Where did you get that?"

"The bathroom, why what is it?"

"That, is a..uh…it's a tampon."

"Oh…What's it for?"

"Not for you!"

"Seriously Wally, what's a 'tampon'?"

"It's nothing important!"

"Then why is your face all red."

"It's n-"

"Yeah it is, are you embarrassed are something?"

"I'm not embarrassed. My face is red because I'm angry, grr!"

"Are you mad because I took your tampon?"

"It's not mine!"

"Kid Flash what the hell are you doing with my tampon?"

"It's not-I didn't-it was-!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"But I didn't do anything!"

"Just stay the hell away from my stuff!"

"So, what does Artemis use that tampon for?"

"…"

"Wally?"

"…just, ask M'gann."

"Okay."

**A/N:** nature has been kind enough to bestow on me the gift of my period; needless to say I've not been too happy as of late. So then I decided to write this because well _some_ good had to come out of this stupid thing to balance out all yucky.


	5. Lesson 5: HighFives

**High-Five**

"Oh Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! High Five!"

"…"

"Right here, high five."

"…?"

"You're supposed to slap my hand."

"Why, did you do something wrong?"

"What? No, I did something awesome!"

"Then why do you want me to hit you?"

"No I don't want you to _hit_ me."

"You just told me to slap you."

"Well not like a bad slap, like a good one."

"…?"

"When you slap someone's palm with your palm it's a high five and that's a good slap not a bad one."

"…?"

"Never mind just here, try this instead."

"What am I supposed to do with that?"

"It's called a bro-fist we're supposed to bump knuckles."

"Wally I'm not going to punch you."

"It's not a punch it's a knuckle touch damn you!"

"Wally, are you a masochist?"

"What? No! Who taught you that word?"

"Robin."

"Damn Robin and his love for words! I keep telling them words can't be all that important, you can't have sex with words!"

"…What's sex?"

"Oh God! Um…uh…coming!"

"I didn't hear anyone call you."

"That's 'cause they were uh…whispering. Yeah whispering so low you couldn't hear them!"

"Wally, I have super hearing, I can hear people whispering in Mexico."

"Uh…I don't have time to be interviewed when there are civilians in trouble!"

"…Whatever."

**A/N: **Oh Wally, more awkward than the tampon lesson no? And poor confused Superboy, when will you learn? Hopefully no time soon because I'm having loads of fun with this! Thanks to everyone who reviewed you have totally made my week. No seriously your kind words will help me through the awkward aches and pains courtesy of my Dear Aunt Flow.


	6. Lesson 6: Toast

**Toast**

"Uh…Superboy?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Fixing the fridge,"

"Um…okay…why?"

"Because I broke it, with my fists."

"Oh…okay. Why?"

"Because the toaster is stupid."

"Why not break the toaster?"

"I enjoy toast."

"Oh, right, of course."

"Would you like me to show you how to use the toaster?"

"Yes please."

"Alright, for the sake of kitchen appliances everywhere, I shall help you."

"Shall?"

"Sounds cooler that way."

"You're a little weird."

"Says the man who killed the fridge, because he doesn't know how to use the toaster."

"I could just hurt you instead."

"Point taken, let's make some toast."

**A/N:** It has recently been brought to my attention, by my mom, that the first thing I learned how to cook was toast; I was like six or something. And this morning I had an epic otherworldly toast fail, because toasters are tricky bastards, and then I wrote this. The End.


	7. Lesson 7: Ice Cream

**Ice-Cream**

"Geez Supey, What'd that ice-cream do to you?"

"It burned my teeth."

"Uh _Ice_-Cream is really cold, I doubt it burned your teeth."

"It felt like a burn."

"Superboy, did you bite the ice cream?"

"How else am I supposed to eat it?"

"It's in a cone; you're supposed to lick it."

"That'll take too long, and it'll drip everywhere."

"Well that's the risk you get for putting the ice-cream in a cone."

"I'm not making this mistake again."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm never eating Ice-Cream in a cone again."

"That's preposterous, it's unheard of, why that's just plain un-American. Steve Rogers would be very ashamed!"

"What? Who's Steve Rogers? The heck are you talking about?"

"Superboy, everybody knows that Ice-Cream tastes better when you eat it out of a cone."

"You just said it was annoying."

"No, I said there are a lot of risks associated with eating it out of a cone."

"I'm not hearing a difference."

"Conner, if you've learned anything from me, please remember that when it comes to Ice-Cream the only ways to eat it are; out of the carton, or out of a cone.

"Whatever. Ugh! It's melting all over my hand!"

"You have to lick the Ice-Cream up quick otherwise it melts to fast, everybody knows that!"

"GAHH!"

"What?"

"My head, it's on fire!"

"Brain freeze, already? Pfft armature."

**A/N:** Yes Ice-Cream eating is some serious business; at least it is to Wally anyway. Lol now I want some Ice-Cream, and there's none here dammit, if only I saw born huh? Also just to make it clear, in the beginning of this Superboy is glaring at the Ice-Cream, not beating it up or something weird like that.


	8. Lesson 8: Texting

**Texting**

"I think Megan has been spending to much time with Robin."

"Why do you say that?"

"She's been inventing words like him."

"What are you talking about?"

"She sent me this message, it says lawl."

"Let me see...Superboy that says ell oh ell not lawl."

"...?"

"It's an abbreviation for Laugh Out Loud."

"Well what about this one, it says tiff-ten."

"That's TTFN it stands for Ta Ta For Now."

"Why don't they just use the whole word."

"Abbreviations are just faster."

"Hmm, so what does a semi colon parenthesis mean?"

"That's not an abbreviation it's a winky face."

"...?"

"Look if you turn it to the side like this..."

"Oh!"

"Yeah texting's pretty weird at first but once you learn all the abbreviations and emoticons-"

"Emoticons?"

"Like that winky face thing, it's smooth sailing after that."

"It's like learning a whole new language."

"It's hard to believe your supposed to be sixteen."

"It's hard to believe you're _actually_ fifteen."

"You know, one day I won't be here for all of you to verbally harass and abuse."

"Then what will we do for entertainment?"

"I think you're the one who's been spending too much time with Robin."

"Whatever."

**A/N: **I don't exactly enjoy texting because of all the damn abbreviations it's so difficult to keep up with so I figured it would probably be even more difficult for Superboy, who is supposed to be sixteen and what sixteen year old doesn't text their friends. I suppose the same ones that don't know what a high-five is. Tee-hee thanks for all the feedback it means a lot.


	9. Lesson 9: Wrestling

**Wrestling**

"Hey Wally, wanna wrestle?"

"Um no."

"Why not?"

"Because you'd crush me."

"I'll go easy on you."

"Alright fine"

"…"

"um Superboy, what are you doing?"

"Getting ready."

"To do what?

"To wrestle."

"Superboy…you don't have to be naked to wrestle!"

"But that's how the people on the videos do it."

"What videos?"

"I'll show you."

"…"

"See I told you."

"Superboy that is not wrestling!"

"But it looks like wr-"

"It doesn't matter what it looks like the point is it's _not_ wrestling!"

"But it's-"

"Just trust me dude that's _not_ wrestling. Okay?"

"Okay. Hey Wally?"

"Yeah?"

"If it's not wrestling then what is it?"

**A/N:** As you can tell porn is _heavily_ implied here, but I wanted to keep the rating T so I never actually said it, until just now, but this is just an author's note and no one ever really reads these. Which stands to reason that I shouldn't even be writing this in the first place. Hope you enjoyed please review!


	10. Lesson 10: Educational Programs

**Educational Programs**

"I don't understand."

"What?"

"She has a map."

"Yeah so?"

"So, it talks."

"And…"

"And she keeps asking us for directions."

"Dude this is an educational show, it's supposed to be teaching little kids."

"Teaching them what? How not to use a map."

"Well um-"

"And what about that stupid fox?"

"You mean Swiper?"

"Yeah, saying Swiper no swiping is magically supposed to make him stop stealing your stuff?"

"Yeah okay that's kind of stupid, but it's for three year olds so,"

"So what?"

"So it's supposed to show that violence is never the answer."

"But violence is always the answer."

"Not always."

"Yes always."

"What's 1+1?"

"O w ow!"

"See?"

"Whatever, let's just watch Blue's Clues."

**A/N:** When your three Dora the Explorer makes lots of sense but if you watch when you're sixteen then it's just a load of confusing gobbledygook. Hope you enjoyed.


	11. Lesson 11: Jersey Shore

**Jersey Shore**

"Okay so, why is she orange again?"

"Because of all the spray tan."

"Why does she wear all that spray tan?"

"Because it's supposed to make her look good."

"But it looks gross."

"I said 'supposed to' but that's not really the point."

"So what's the point?"

"We're supposed to laugh and cry with all of the shenanigans they get up to."

"Shenanigans?"

"Yeah I'm trying to use bigger words."

"Why?"

"So I seem smarter."

"Why?"

"Well because, look this isn't about me! We're supposed to be watching the show."

"Explain the concept of this show to me again."

"Well they take a bunch of people and stick them in a small space to see what happens."

"Right,"

"So every night they go out and get drunk and do stupid things."

"Okay,"

"Then they wake up in the morning confused and crying that they didn't mean it and that they don't remember what happened."

"Uh-huh,"

"And those to are pretty much on and off again they're in love one episode and hate each other the next. So don't be surprised when they start sleeping together next week."

"And why are we watching this again?"

"So we can laugh and cry along with everyone else on this stupid show."

"But the funny parts aren't funny,"

"Well yeah but-"

"And the sad parts aren't sad just stupid,"

"Okay bu-"

"So I ask why are we watching this again?"

"Well becau- it's to- we're supp-,"

"I'm waiting."

"Fine we'll watch your stupid show!"

**A/N: **I don't watch Jersey Shore at all really. So I might get some things wrong, everything here are tidbits I get from other people who do watch the show. I never really understood the attraction behind it although I do enjoy making fun of it. LOL anyways I hope you enjoyed and FB would be awesome; it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside like drugs without all the horrible consequences (although possibly just as addictive).


	12. Lesson 12: Hot Dogs

**Hot Dogs**

"What's this?"

"Food."

"What kind of food?"

"The edible kind."

"Wally,"

"Heh heh sorry."

"So what is it?"

"It's a hot dog."

"A what?"

"A hot dog."

"Why would anyone want to eat a hot dog?"

"What they're really good."

"That's disgusting."

"You haven't even tried them yet."

"So?"

"So, how do you know you won't like them?"

"Because I know."

"But how?"

"Because I don't eat dogs."

"...Superboy?"

"What?"

"Hotdogs aren't made out of dogs."

"They're not?"

"Nope"

"Oh, then what are they made out of?"

"I don't really know. I don't think anyone knows actually."

**A/N:** A friend of mine recently learned what hotdogs were made out of and she was all oh gods that's disgusting. And I'm like dude it's just food it's not that serious, and she's all I'm never eating hot dogs. Anyways I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed making it.


	13. Lesson 13: Scary Movies

**Scary Movies**

_warnings: could possibly be offensive towards blondes and red-heads but no real malice intended_

"Why would she do that?"

"What do you mean?"

"She heard a possibly threatening sound coming from that direction."

"So?"

"So, why would she go off in that direction?"

"To go see what it is."

"Why doesn't she just run away?"

"Well 'cause-"

"Look, now she's dead."

"Of course she's dead, she's the pretty blonde."

"Why should that make a difference?"

"The pretty blondes always die first, but the homely looking secretly hot brunettes make it out alive."

"Why does the color of their hair matter?"

"I dunno that's just how scary movies work."

"Oh, so what happens to the red-heads?"

"We're the ones who go off and have sex in the middle of the movie and watch our boyfriends get murdered before being killed ourselves."

"Why not just run away?"

"Huh?"

"Well think about it, if the blonde chick ran away from the noise she wouldn't have died,"

"Right,"

"And if the red-heads don't go off to have sex-"

"Nope that's impossible, we always go off to have random sex or make out with people at the most inconvenient times."

"But if-"

"Sorry dude the blondes get killed checking out a weird noise and the red-heads get killed before after or during sex. Those are the laws of scary movies."

"Wally,"

"Yeah?"

"This movie isn't very scary."

"Of course not it's predictable."

"So why are we watching this?"

"'Cause I heard from a friend at school that just before the red-head gets killed during sex, we get to see her boobs!"

"Hey Wally?"

"Hm?"

"What's sex?"

"Umm, hey look the brunette is about to narrowly escape her doom at the expense of that one guy who always used to ignore her but for some reason is suddenly in love with her!"

"So?"

"Just watch the movie, okay?"

**A/N:** Lol yeah this just popped into my mind for like no reason and I just had to type it up because it made me giggle. I apologize if this offended anyone it was made purely for shits and giggles not to bash blondes or red-heads. Plus I'm black so I get killed automatically for no reason even when I'm running in the opposite direction away from the scary noise. Seriously people don't get all offended by this when I just wanted to exploit crappy scary movies.


	14. Lesson 14: Books

**Books**

"Hey Supey!"

"…"

"Hellooooo?"

"…"

"_Superboy!_"

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"_Trying_ to read."

"Eww, why?"

"Because it's fun."

"What? Who have you been talking to?"

"You and the rest of the team, I have no other friends."

"I meant who told you to read."

"Aqualad, says reading is good for you."

"That's a lie; otherwise they wouldn't have to _force_ you to read in school."

"I've liked it so far."

"You guys are so weird. Why not just wait for the movie to come out."

"Aqualad says that books are better than the movies."

"That's another lie. What are you reading anyway?"

"Twilight."

"Oh God ew! Why?"

"Megan recommended it."

"Ugh Superboy if you insist on reading you might as well read a _good_ book!"

"What would you recommend?"

"I don't know! I don't read."

"…"

"Fine, ignore me for your precious Twilight!"

"…"

"If you're going to just sit there and be boring then I'm going to leave."

"…"

"I'm serious, I'll leave right now."

"No one is stopping you."

"Fine I'll leave! I know when I'm not wanted."

"Apparently not because you're still here."

"You think I won't leave?"

"Wally, go away!"

"But I'm bored and no one will spend time with me!"

"…Fine let's go watch T.V."

"Sweet, I get to choose what we watch!"

"I don't care what it is as long as it's not The Jersey Shore."

**A/N:** LOL yes, I'm still bashing the Jersey Shore. Anyway I cranked this bad boy out all quick like because I checked my reviews and I have like 78 already. I had no idea you guys liked this so much, because I don't normally check my reviews all that much, and I felt bad for leaving it alone for so long. So thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far, this one is for you. (And I'm sorry to any Twilight fans who I might have accidently offended).


	15. Lesson 15: Insomnia

**Insomnia**

"Superboy?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you still doing up?"

"Can't sleep."

"Oh, I just came down for a midnight snack."

"It's three a.m."

"Same difference."

"That's an oxymoron."

"Ugh! I'm not getting into this with you, it's to late."

"You mean early."

"Whatever."

"..."

"So, why can't you sleep?"

"Just can't."

"Want a lullaby?"

"...?"

"A lullaby it's a song to-"

"I know what a lullaby is.'

"Oh, well do you want one?"

"Wally, I've heard you sing."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a no."

"Fine, suit yourself."

"What are you doing?"

"Changing the channel."

"Why?"

"I'm looking for some infomercials."

"Why?"

"It's the best cure for insomnia."

"Oh."

"Ooh, the magic bullet; this is a good one!"


	16. Lesson 16: Words

**Words**

"Dude that is so sick."

"Really, I feel fine."

"What?"

"You said I'm sick, but I feel fine."

"That's not what I meant."

"The word sick, means unwell, right?"

"Well yeah but that's not the way I meant it."

"I don't understand."

"Well it's like; sometimes words don't mean the same thing they really mean."

"What?"

"Like how here and hear sound the same but they mean two different things."

"The sick you meant is spelled differently?"

"What, no."

"Then why bring that up?"

"I just ugh. I meant that sometimes one word has two different meanings."

"But 'here' and 'hear' are two completely different words, they aren't spelled the same."

"Okay so like there's the sick you meant and the sick I meant and they're spelled the same and pronounced the same, but they're like two different words."

"I don't recall the word sick having any other meaning besides feeling unwell."

"Well yeah but that's cause like the second meaning, the one I meant, isn't like an unofficial meaning for it."

"What?"

"It's like slang, y'know when people say wicked, but they don't mean evil they mean like awesome. Or bad, but they really mean cool."

"No, I really don't know."

"Just, it's like stuff people our age do, they take words and give them different meanings."

"Like Robin?"

"No, Robin's weird, he's inventing words not giving actual words different meanings."

"When you said 'weird' you didn't mean strange, right? It's one of those words with a double-meaning."

"...uh sure. Let's go with that."

"Wally, you're an idiot."

"Superboy, the word 'idiot' doesn't have a second meaning, it just means stupid."

"I know."

"Words hurt y'know, they hurt."

**A/N: **Over a hundred reviews, sweet! *is totally doing a jig right now* Like seriously though I feel so honored and stuff, I know this is totally a cliche, but this chapter is like completely dedicated to everyone who ever reviewed. Like seriously you guys are the best if I could bake you all like brownies and cookies and a whole bunch of other really sweet and unhealthy stuff and somehow email it yo you through the almighty internet I totally would. But for reals kisses and hugs and inappropriate grouping for everyone because you're all amazing. And I know I'm going on and on like I won a Grammy or something but it's like a hundred reviews.

God! I'm so disgustingly happy right now I feel like I should do something nice for children, and I really friggin _hate_ children, they're all sticky and can never pronounce their words right and they throw tantrums when they don't get their way. Spending more than a half hour with kids always leads to me screaming obscenities as them but I'm totally just gonna spend the entire day with friggin toddlers and watch the Wiggles and the Doodle Bops and all the other extremely annoying kids shows that make me wanna light myself on fire. And all because of all of you that reviewed.


End file.
